Day 2:
I didn't talk to Iris much today. I didn't have time. I was out today. She contacted me a lot less than I thought she would. I told her I'd be out. She didn't seem too concerned.
I know I don't love Iris. I feel nothing when I talk to her now. It's awkward. Dreadful. Our conversations are quiet, mundane. I'll stare down. She'll play with her necklace. We'll say nothing to each other. I'll ask questions. She never answers.
It's only been two days. Maybe this will grow. But it feels like I don't love her. And she doesn't love me. I have no reason to love her beyond instinctive kindness. I want her to be safe, I want to protect her. I feel that way about anyone I know. It's not different with Iris. It's not special. I wish I could even feel that kindness now. I feel nothing. I don't feel safe around her. I don't like being around Iris.
Iris asked me if she was beautiful last night. I said yes. It felt like a lie, but I know it wasn't. She's gorgeous. But I felt nothing when I said it to her. It felt obligated. She needed me to say that. And I did. I answered a question. I did not speak my mind. I told her she was beautiful because it was the right answer. Not because I wanted to call her beautiful. I think she's beautiful, but I didn't say it that way.
I feel like there's not much to say about Iris. I know her pain, but I don't know her happiness. I only know her at her worst, not her best. I've never seen her smile. I'm always smiling for her, but it feels listless. It feels like she knows that. Iris knows my smiles are fake.
I'm bored. I'm tired, I'm bored. Hours will pass in silence. Iris was quiet today.
Day 1:
Today is my first day dating Iris. She confessed to me last night. We've only known each other for a week. That whole week, she spent venting to me. About her abusers, about her family, about everyone who's been with her. She's kind, she's beautiful. And I want to help her. But I can't feel anything.
I think I rushed into things. She shouldn't have caught feelings for me this quickly. I listened to her, complimented her, gave her advice whenever she needed it. But she has no reason to fall for me. I'm not a good person. I'm not kind. I'm loving. I'm cold, I'm uncertain, and I don't belong in a relationship. My ex learned that the hard way.
I just don't know what it is, but I can't feel love.
Yet, I made the same mistake as last time. When Iris confessed, I said yes. She said she loved me. I said I loved her too. That night was a messy night. Full of misunderstandings, long talks, long apologies from me. It's like as soon as I said yes to her, we forgot how to talk to each other. We couldn't joke anymore. We couldn't laugh, couldn't talk about anything. We just stayed there, awkwardly. And every time we'd say something, the other would misunderstand, and feel offended. I think I rushed into this. But it's too late now. It's either my sacrifice, or hers.
Iris is not a stable person. She has cuts, bruises, burns. She's been beaten, controlled, harassed. She's had a lot of people leave her. And if I left her, she'd break. She told me herself. I need to be next to her, even if we feel nothing. I don't want to know what will happen if I abandon her.
Iris was lethargic today. She told me she was sick. Her voice was always quiet, I couldn't hear what she was saying. Our conversations went nowhere. Just small-talk. Awkward small-talk. I couldn't think of anything to say. She refused to tell me much about herself today. She didn't ask to know much about me. Iris didn't want to talk today.
I'm scared of relationships. I'm scared that I can't keep up with them. Iris will outrun me.
